Days 188 – 212 Keep on , Keepin’ On

Days 188 – 212 S-366-LYDoG:

Here I go again. I am behind once more however, after I share, I think you may understand my delay.

Shortly after I last wrote it was decided that I was to move out of my parents’ home into a place of my own. This decision has been one of great turmoil. I knew that I had suffered a blow to my self-esteem as a result of the last few hard years of my life. With that perceived self-deficit, I have found that I am scared half witless to make this transition. All who know me are kind enough to reassure me that I am most definitely capable and that my fears are unwarranted. Unfortunately, I am only able of overcoming this fear by facing it myself and realizing my worth from within. Of course you are probably wondering why I have not yet mastered this at my current age. You would think that as I near 40 I would have come into a better sense of my own intrinsic worth. My only excuse is this, I am human and this life is a process in which I feel I am continually working toward a better version of … well, of me!

In other news, we had a very interesting time at our family reunion in July. And by interesting, I mean … I don’t even know how to put it all into words.

We arrived and had one blissful evening with our extended family. Becoming reacquainted and seeing how everyone has grown and changed was pure joy.

The following morning we got word that my brother-in-law, who had stayed behind, had committed suicide. That day is still a blur of emotions and a struggle to come to some form of acceptance. I don’t think that it will ever truly make sense to me. Probably because there is no sense to be made of it whatsoever. I think anyone who has had a loved one choose to take their own life can tell you that it is traumatic, at best, for the survivors. I shall leave that subject there for a moment as I move on to other matters.

It was decided that I and my brother’s family should stay at the reunion. A few days later, upon arriving home, my new place of residence was ready to receive my boys and I. We immediately proceeded with my move, my head still spinning from the days prior. We decided it best that I be moved into my new home by that weekend. Two days before the move Chaos, my sweet companion of 16 years, began to have serious health problems that were no longer bearable to ask him to live with. The picture you see is my last moments with  him here on this earth. My sweet puppy took his last breath in my arms on July 13.

Oh, my heart aches. You can tell me over and over that he was only a pet, that 16 years was a very long time for a dog to live etc … and blah, blah, blah

To me, it has been like trying to breath underwater. A futile experience indeed.

For so long it was just my dogs, Chaos and Havoc, and I. Chaos has seen me through so much heartache and pain that I felt I could hardly walk without him on my way back to the car after all was said and done. In truth though, I know this was my last and most loving gift to him, letting him go despite my sorrows. He needed to be free from the fetters of this life and I was just being selfish.

There you have it. The fallout of the past several weeks has been daunting indeed but, as the saying goes, “life goes on.” Sometimes it just keeps going on whether you really want it to or not. It’s ultimately a good thing but, give me time to catch up to that thought.

I did promise daily gratitude, however; I am going to cheat and use two great big “gratitudes” to cover the past weeks. In light of all that has happened I feel they are an appropriate cheat, if you will. I’d ask you to judge for yourself but, quite frankly, I’ve had enough with judgement, so I invite you to … not.

So let’s call this the first half. Previously I promised a post dedicated to my niece whose birthday we celebrated in June. She turned her sweet sixteen this year however, if you say that to her, you run the risk of a scathing look of death. I think that blogging about how grateful I am for her at this time is perfect as it was her stepfather who took his life. She was there with us at the reunion and opted to stay behind with my boys and I to finish the trip. In many ways I am so very glad she did.

She and I have always had a very special relationship. To say that I am grateful for her one day out of 366 would be a lie. I am grateful for her every single day. When my oldest was born and I decided to be a stay-at-home mom I also began watching her every day as my sister, then a single mom herself, had to work. I have watched her grow from a spunky young girl to a wonderful young woman. She is so very talented and mature for her age. She is kind and patient and so, so good to my boys who, I am sure, give her endless grief. While together, she and I have many talks. Some deep with sentiment, others full of senseless giggling.

I know that loosing her stepfather in the manner in which he chose to leave this life greatly impacted her. I only hope that my presence during that time was even a small comfort to her. I love her so very dearly!

The second I shall talk of is my sweet Chaos. Again, one day of gratitude out of endless years worth is inadequate. I am so thankful for the wonderful years of love and clarity he gave my life. He came to me as a puppy during some of the darkest days I have ever known. He has been the warm body in my lonely bed, the steady companionship I craved, and the unconditional love I certainly never deserved. He was spry and just plain silly as a pup. The perfect addition to my little household of one. He is now happily reunited with his little brother Havoc whom I also miss terribly. I am ever so thankful for the gift these boys were in my life.

As always my friends, find your “gratefuls” and cling to them. I think were it not for my efforts to find the shinning moments of late I would have drowned in despair and distress. As it stands, my gratitude has kept me sane.

Keep on, keepin’ on,

Stina