So this daily gratitude challenge has been quite a … well … a challenge these last several days. I am truly having the most difficult time finding the energy necessary to do even the most mundane, easy tasks. I seem to have enough in reserve for just one item each day and, for me, I need more. I want more. So these past few days have been a battle; I’ve been grouchy and depressed. I was hoping that finding my daily “gratefuls” would pull me out of my funk, but alas, I find that it is only causing me more distress. I’m not sure I can really explain why either. I think some days we are more content in our discontent than we would even like to admit to ourselves.
Sometimes, I admit, that I feel much better after a good “wallowing”. I’m finding that no amount of positive thinking or gratitude will replace a few days living right down in it where the sadness and grief are anchored deep inside. Call it wallowing, processing, grieving … call it whatever you’d like, I’m there.
So, for day one I think my convoluted way of finding gratitude is to be thankful for the times when I can finally set my busy life aside for a few moments and move through some of these ickier, and yet, unavoidable feelings. I am attempting to understand my role in the lives of my family as I have become a definite burden. You can try to put any spin you’d like on the matter. You can tell me that I am not really that much of a burden, you can try your best to convince me or my family that it really isn’t all that bad, but the truth of the matter is this; I am a burden financially, emotionally, and psychologically on those around me. I’m discovering that I am able to do less and less to support myself in these areas and am at the mercy of those who care for me. It is not fun for them or me. I have never done well with limitations and being faced with limitations due to health is proving to me most frustrating.
This leads me right into day two. I am ever increasingly grateful for the compassion of loved ones, friend and family alike, who have seen fit to try to understand my place in their lives. It is hard for others to comprehend what they cannot visually see in me that leaves me drained of energy and complaining of pain and fatigue. To the naked eye I look quite normal, I say I’m sick but, I don’t look sick. I’ve asked the all-important question, “What does sick look like?” many times before. Well, I’m thankful for people who don’t have to know or understand the answer to that question before they accept me for who I am and where I am at in life.
Day three is easy. I was able to take my boys to a college baseball game tonight. Their first ever ballgame that involved anyone other than their peers. Oh, they had such a great time! Sean, especially, was mesmerized the entire game; watching each play intently and cheering as loud as any hardcore fan when our team won. He kept saying , “Mom, did you see that? I’m going to be like that someday.” It was so fun to watch. Sometimes the best part of doing something with my kids is watching their reactions to new things that we try together. We did the entire experience including a hotdog and they both agreed that a hotdog at the ballpark is better than any other hotdog known to man. I agree …
What a great way to get out of the doldrums!