Day 70 S-366-LYDoG:
Hard day, painful day. There seem to be so many of those lately. I almost feel as if the universe has it out for me, determined to derail me from my daily gratitude efforts.
Whelp, I shall not be deterred!
Do you hear me universe? I mean it, I really do!
I am so emotional today. I pulled up to the pool and cried in the car before I could convince myself to get in the water. I started crying in the middle of my first lap and had to take a breather. Then, at acupuncture, I sobbed during the entire treatment. I ran a few errands afterward and cried at the pharmacy. I’ve been on the verge of tears ever since.
What is going on with me? You’d think I had gotten some hard news this week or something. I mean sheesh!
Oh wait, I did.
I am not very patient with myself. I always want to be “ok” with things as quickly as humanly possible but, I often forget the “humanly” part of that statement in the process. I expect so much of myself, too much of myself. Deep down I suspect that I’m trying to act normal, like nothing is wrong, in hopes of convincing myself that life is normal … that there isn’t anything wrong.
Ah, but this is life. I dare say that no one has what we might classify as a “normal life.” Sure, it might look normal on the outside but, is it really? And why, pray tell, do we always strive to act as if there is a norm that we should all be aspiring to? I don’t understand. This idea only perpetuates feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and shame.
“I don’t like it,” she says from her soapbox.
Which leads me to my “daily grateful.” I appreciate people who are willing to be real. I am privileged to know so many wonderfully unaffected people. I try to surround myself with fellow human beings who realize that we are all just that, human beings. It is difficult in this world of technology to strip away the outward appearance finding the genuine article hidden beneath but, it is there and more and more people are opening up and allowing others into their reality. This leads to a sense of community and fights the isolation that comes from perceived perfection. I don’t know about you but, I gravitate toward others who have battle wounds and are willing to share them. I love it when a friend shares something that I can relate with helping me feel that I’m not alone in my struggles.
They say that misery loves company. While this is probably true, I don’t think that it is necessarily a bad thing. Yes, if you are trying to make someone else feel miserable that is terrible; however, when you band together with friends and family who are feeling similar feelings of doubt or sorrow about life, you feel a camaraderie that is priceless. It brings a sense of hope when you find an individual who has conquered the climb you are about to undertake. Hope shines from their example and you feel empowered to take that first step and then another and then another. What I actually find when I see someone’s authenticity is that their beauty, both inside and out, truly defies reality.
I am so grateful for the examples all of you have set in my life of what it means to endure, what it means to move forward, and what it means to live a joyful life especially in the face of hard trials. You are all so precious to me in your own right and I thank you for your constant love and encouragement.