Day 68 S-366-LYDoG:
You can read for yourself. I don’t care to put them into my own words, doing so seems … well, wrong on so many levels.
It is icky … and you can now officially add it to the list of reasons why my body and I do not see eye to eye.
When I first heard the name I laughed out lout and asked, “Did you just say I had sarcasticosis?” The doc looked at me in shock until she realized that I was being sarcastic. Then she laughed. Thank goodness, I always appreciate a doctor with a good sense of humor especially when delivering tough news.
Although I may seem rather blase about it today, it is only because I have known that the diagnosis was a possibility since last November. It has taken a team of doctors, primarily my dermatologist, primary care, and rheumatologists, this long to officially put it in my chart. After more biopsies than I care to remember during these previous months, I’m feeling rather cut up about it. (oh haha, I crack myself up!)
At first, I was devastated, followed by a serious bout of denial thinking that they must be wrong. As the weeks wore on and they tried all kinds of treatments that failed to instigate a response, the list of possibilities grew shorter and shorter and I began to come to some sort of psychological agreement that this was going to be the next big hurdle.
This morning was the final follow-up and I knew what they would say. The treatment plan, unfortunately, is something that I am unable to do. Usually they start with steroids. Well, thanks to my Avascular Necrosis, this will be impossible. The next option is to use immuno-supressive therapy. Again, because of my body’s response to those drugs (i.e. giving me Lupus, silly body), those are not a viable option either.
I seem to be doing a lot of that lately; sighing, that is.
Going forward I will need to have a chest x-ray every three to six months to monitor my lungs as well as other tests to look at my heart and other organs. Luckily, I don’t show any signs of it internally yet. I am having some mild eye symptoms, extreme dry eye and redness accompanied by sensitivity to light but, they are mild and I am grateful.
So, what else am I grateful for? I’ll be honest and tell you that days like today make this gratitude challenge I’ve issued myself a little tough. However, I am extremely grateful that we caught things early. At least this way we can monitor my heart, lungs and other organs. In other words, it won’t have a chance to sneak up on me like so many of my other problems.
I like that. I like the idea that I’ve got the jump on things.
Who knew? Who knew that what looks like a little clump of flesh colored hives, barely visible to the naked eye, would cause such a firestorm. I’m glad that I even noticed it. I thought it would disappear and, when it didn’t I started noticing that I had small clumps of these popping up all over, I thought I’d better get them checked out.
I’m grateful I did … very grateful.
It could be worse. I know I said I hated hearing that but, I give myself permission to say it today, all things considered. It doesn’t hurt or itch, for the most part, they can be a little tender to the touch at times but it’s not bad. For that, I am also very grateful.
All in all, I do still have much to be thankful for. Especially today, I needed time to remind myself that life really isn’t all that bad. Life is good, life is beautiful, and I’m determined to see it that way no matter what is thrown my way. I know that God loves me, I know that he won’t abandon me in my hour of need. He never has and he never will. If I remember that love, if I hold onto those thoughts, then I can maintain a perspective that goes beyond this life into a life hereafter. In that hereafter we’ve all been promised a perfect resurrected body, oh praise the day! I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for mine! It will be glorious and beautiful and I’ll only appreciate it more because of my life’s experiences.
Life is hard but, I refuse to allow these challenges to make me bitter. Sure, I’m going to have moments of sadness and loss, moments of anger and frustration … we all do, it’s only human; but in the long, long run (I’m talking eternity here) I am more than this body. We are more than even we can imagine or understand for our potential is infinite.
I am more than this broken down bag of bones, I am “me” and I can’t wait to see what “me” will be when I can shed this broken shell and don my perfect replacement.