Day 65 S-366-LYDoG:
It is so very difficult to live with your parents when you are my age. I’m not just living with them either, I’m relying on them for more than they should have to worry about. It is stressful on all three of us. Three adults in one home, trying to manage the household, the emotions and the kids can get a little tricky. I think we are all working very hard to redefine our roles and relationships in regards to each other. I know that they suffer greatly in watching me suffer. I know that the burden I’ve placed on their shoulders is unforgivable.
Yet … because they are my parents and they love me, I am here. They saved me, quite literally, from a tough situation. They lovingly reached in a plucked me out, pulled me up and are allowing me to recuperate and rebuild my life at their own emotional and monetary expense. There is absolutely no way that I will ever be able to repay them for this and it haunts me. It worries me that I have somehow disappointed them … let them down. I can hardly stand the thought that I have somehow grown into less than what they wanted or hoped for me.
These fears have led to some pretty intense conversations about our relationships and how we make this all work. I know that they hurt and ache for me as they watch me scratch and claw my way through this hard life I’ve been given. They remind me daily that the expectations I’ve harbored are my own and that they are doing this because they love me, not because they need me to be something different or fulfill some unseen destiny. I have become so overly sensitive to my lack of perfection that I projected that self-doubt onto them and began to think that they doubted me or that, somewhere along the way, I’d let them down in a major way.
Today I am grateful for my parents, for their undying love and willingness to sacrifice so much on my behalf and for my children. Of course, they had dreams of a different, happier life for me but, they remind me daily that it has nothing to do with my action or inaction, ability or inability. They are my heroes in every sense of the word. They raised me to love the Lord, to know that I am a precious daughter of God. They helped shape who I am and who I’m striving to be. Their strength gives me strength and I, in turn, am able to soldier forward. They’ve taken me in, enfolded me in their love, and done all that they could to help me pick up the pieces. I would be lost without them.
Yes, it is humbling to explain to someone that I live with my parents at this stage in life. It is even more so, to try to explain the how’s and why’s of what I’m doing here. In the end though, I am grateful beyond expression for their constant love and devotion. My father is always reminding me that this is what one does for their children. He asks me to think of my boys and if I would do any different for them. I wouldn’t, of course, but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognize and appreciate their sacrifice.
Now, comparing myself to myself, I’m not sure how to gauge this situation I find myself in. Although I never imagined myself here, being here has afforded me the opportunity to grow in emotional and spiritual ways that I’d never imagined. One of the most distinct truths I’ve come to know is that a parent’s love is more infinite than the expanse of the heavens.
Is this where I thought I’d be at this age? No; but, I’ve seen worse and so I call this progress; progress that comes from recognizing and receiving the love of a parent.