Day 64 S-366-LYDoG:
Ewww, even the word sounds tiring. This word is something I’ve become all too familiar with. It has been bearing down on me with ever increasing strength this week. I look around at others who seem to have endless amounts of energy and wonder if they got my share as well. Or worse, I wonder if my inability to keep up leaves me somehow “less than.”
So, in the spirit of self-comparison rather than comparison to “others”, I am going to see if I can’t give my crippling self-doubt a run for its money.
Does fatigue plague me? You bet!
Has it always been this bad? Nope …
Has it been worse? Oh, much, much worse.
There have been times in the past when my body has put up a stop sign so big they probably saw it on the International Space Station. But, did I listen? Oh no, because I was too worried about seeing what other people were capable of instead of being thankful for what I am able to do. I may not be able to run as fast as I used to, not that I was ever very fast, but what I’ve found is that the quality of what I accomplish is so much more fulfilling than the quantity.
I don’t want to call it an inability to push forward anymore, rather, I think I’ll refer to it as the opportunity to slow down. I have spent so much of my life running … physically, mentally, and emotionally, that I’d forgotten how to stop and smell the roses. The fatigue that bemoan so readily is giving me the opportunity to stop and do just that. I was taking care of some errands today and my youngest had offered to keep me company. I was fading fast. Noticing the slowing of my pace, he took it upon himself to take over some of the heavy lifting and pushing the cart.
Afterward we were sitting in the driveway and he was about to get out and start emptying the trunk of the car but, I just didn’t have the strength to move just yet. Instead, I sat and looked at him, really looked at him, and this flood of love and adoration filled my soul. I’ve always expressed my love for him but, this felt different. I decided to take the time to tell him how much it meant to me that he had come with me, that he had taken over and helped me finish the task at hand. I made him look me in the eye when I told him how much I loved being his mother and that he was one of my greatest accomplishments in life.
It felt good and it took maybe all of two minutes. Those two minutes would have flashed by in a frenzy had I the energy to get out of the car immediately. So, take that, self-doubt! I may not be zooming from here to there and I may need to rendezvous with my bed more often than I care to admit but, I am taking advantage of the necessary down time in a much more positive fashion.
It isn’t always easy to make the most of what we have, or to accept what we have not. This time, though, it felt just right.