Day 62 S-366-LYDoG:
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what chronic pain does to your heart and mind. It can cloud everything from your judgement about something as simple as what you wear, to what you do, to how you interact with the world at large. It becomes difficult not to feel victimized by your pain. You begin to feel as if you’re held hostage by what you can and can’t accomplish. Certainly there is danger in feeling this way because, for me, it only makes me want to push harder; which, in turn, only leaves me falling back into bed that much sooner. If you’re not careful, it begins to define who you are. It can make you bitter, angry, and sad.
I’m trying my best not to let it get to me that way. I succeed at maintaining perspective most of the time but I’m also human. Like everyone else going through “stuff” I have those days when I feel like I can’t take another minute and I lose it. I came close today, the only thing keeping me together was the fact that I didn’t want to be kicked out of school.
I have a lab partner who is … well, “trying” is the most polite word I come up with. He is young, a bit proud, and doesn’t mind taking his sweet time getting things done. I was hurting like crazy today and a lab that should’ve taken us all of 45 min took us 1 hour and 45. Usually there is a third person in our group who acts as sort of a buffer. Today, it was just the two of us and by the end of the lab I truly thought that there was no way both of us were getting out of there alive. I walked out of class today heaving another of my giant sighs of “whatever.”
Wow! All I can say is I could really use a break from the constant pain. That isn’t going to happen, though. So, instead I’m going to attempt a return to proper perspectives. Here are five “gratefuls” for the day (even if one or two may harbor a hint of sarcasm):
- I’m thankful for the warmer weather, without which, I’d be even the worse for wear.
- I had a fairly good hair day even after I attempted to cut my own bangs this morning on a whim. (I know, I know…)
- I just looked in my math notebook and realized that I’m actually ahead when I thought I was behind.
- My stomach only hurt for part of the day, an improvement over yesterday.
- And … I did not, in spite of extreme temptation, break my lab partner’s legs today. I’m sure I would’ve missed him next week and, besides, I’d hate to think of the resultant makeup work I would’ve accumulated from subsequent jail time.