Day 53 S-366-LYDoG:
Today was a tough one. I promised honesty and, honestly, it was a really tough day. My body and I are fighting over how much I should do, want to do, and can do. You know, the norm for me. Truly, I am so worn out and tired that I’m finding gratitude difficult. There have been tough days in the past weeks but, not like today. The weight of the world seems to be resting on my shoulders and I can’t decide if its because the world is actually sitting there or if it just seems that way due to fatigue.
I’m feeling so depressed and discouraged. I’m tired of being alone. I was tired of being alone before I met my ex. I was tired of feeling lonely all throughout my marriage. Now I’m just plain tired, I think. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being alone for the most part. I do, however, think that some things in life are meant to do with a partner. I’m sure I am not the only single woman, or single mom who goes through these emotions. I know that many of us feel hopeless and lonely at times.
I was listening to this song on the radio today. I can’t even remember the artist. She was going on and on about wanting to be someone else, wishing that she didn’t have to be herself. I actually thought to myself, “Why would I want to be anyone else? I think my problems are hard enough, I don’t think I want to borrow any more trouble.” I think this is the first time that, despite my sorrows, I have really truly been okay with being me.
It is hard to remember when browsing social media that everyone is usually putting their best foot forward. We don’t see their grief and pain. We don’t understand their hard times and it is easy to fall into the trap that life for everyone else is perfect.
Well, its not. We all struggle in one way or another.
Maybe this is what I’m grateful for today. I’m glad I’m me, flaws, clunker body and all. I don’t say this to toot my own horn or make anyone believe I’m something I’m not. Believe me, there are things I wish I could change about my life. My circumstances are far from ideal and I still wish that I could resolve some of my concerns; however, I really am okay being me. There is a certain sense of peace and satisfaction when I say that. Something deep inside is finally settling in and learning to be content with who I am.
Me is all right, I don’t need to be anyone else. I may not be the best version of myself, I may need some polishing up and brushing off but, I’m getting there. One step at a time.