Day 49 S-366-LYDoG:
I have been wrestling, of late, with some weighty matters. Single motherhood, for one, is nothing to shake a stick at. I’m always wondering, am I enough? I worry that my boys are having to make sacrifices that no young child should be called upon to make. I feel like they are already suffering due to a mother who does not feel well most of the time. I stress over the things that I could be doing with them, but can’t; or the things that I’d really like to be doing with them, but don’t have the energy for. I worry over money, my health, their health, schooling for all three of us … and the list goes on and on.
I’m sure I’m not the only parent who suffers from these worries. I know there are many others juggling the multiple demands of adulthood. It is so hard to “adult.” When young, I always wanted to be a grown up, to be able to do things my way. Well, I can tell you that my way is dumb, my parents knew best and I’d much rather be a kid again.
While pondering some of these things today I think I had what I would classify has a “mini” panic attack. If you can classify panic as “mini”, that is. I couldn’t wrap my mind around some of these concerns in a way that felt manageable and, try as I might, I couldn’t keep calm. It felt like my heart was going to jump right out of my chest. I knew I needed to take a breather and relax but, once you’ve entered that downward spiral, it is ever so difficult to pull out.
I began praying that I’d be able to catch my breath; that I’d remember to take it one step at a time. I kept asking for help and direction navigating these uncharted waters. I have been feeling so lost lately.
As I prayed, though, I felt inspiration as to what could be done about seemingly insurmountable obstacles. I know that Heavenly Father was watching over me today. I know that he saw and felt the sorrow and confusion. Once I allowed his peace into my heart, my mind was flooded with ideas and workarounds that I hadn’t considered before. For the first time in a long time I felt hope and direction over some of these burdens.
I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father and for that much needed inspiration.