Day 8 S-366-LYDoG:
Ever since my divorce I’ve been feeling a bit lost. What comes next? How do I pick up the pieces and where do I put them now? Do I even want those pieces anymore? Maybe I ought to just throw everything in the trash and start fresh.
It can be really overwhelming to sort through. Whereas before I felt trapped by my circumstances, I now feel paralyzed by the possibilities. What if I choose the wrong path, what if I fail, what if I can’t do what I want, what if… what if… what if…
Don’t even get me started on the “shoulds.” I should be getting through school faster. I should get out from under my parents as quickly as I can. I should be learning more about my oldest son’s Asperger’s. I should be learning more about my youngest son’s ADHD. I should be progressing more through my own emotional struggles.
After I’m done with all of the “what ifing” I’m usually “shoulding” all over myself.
Then I factor in my health and everything goes to hell in a hand-basket right quick.
This journey has been confusing and full of emotional potholes that one might never foresee unless you’ve been divorced. Even then, every divorcee’s potholes look a little different. Some have a really deep self-esteem pothole, others have a pothole full of fear and doubt, and still others might be digging out of the anger pothole. I’ve bumped over all of these and more and, what’s more frustrating, is that once I feel I’ve patched over one, another one drops out from underneath me without warning.
Divorce certainly isn’t for the faint of heart. I can at least attest to that much.
My favorite is when previously divorced people who are now currently married with bright, shiny, new, happy families try to tell you that it will all work out in the end and that you’ll be a stronger person for it.
*Insert dramatic and extremely sarcastic eye-roll here.*
Well duh! Of course I know that, but can you give me five minutes… or, okay fine, five years or more to move through it?
And, by the way, don’t you think that maybe I view myself as having been strong before this fiasco and so now I might be struggling with a little bit of lingering self-doubt and even some hard core loathing for what I allowed to happen despite that strength?
Yes, I know. I still have some things to work through. But that’s the point. I’m working through it and that takes time and energy. Time and energy which seems in short supply when you’re a single mom. Not to mention a single mom with two boys who have some real challenges.
Okay, rant over… for today. So what am I thankful for? Actually, I am thankful for the opportunities that keep on knocking. In my marriage I felt trapped like a caged animal. So for all of the complaints and fears I have about my “what ifs” and “shoulds” I am really grateful that they exist now.
Actually I think they were always there but like any caged animal I was too panicked to even examine what those possibilities might be.
So for all of my uncertainty and doubt at least now I’m finally clear-headed enough to hear all of the opportunities when they come knocking.
Go ahead, answer the door, because I’m sure opportunities are knocking for you, too.