Passionately Dispassionate

I am finding that I have an all new appreciation for individuals who spend most of their life in a wheelchair. I’ve only been confined to one while out in public and for just two short months and I’m already wishing I could throw my crutches out the window, toss my walker to the dogs, and push my wheelchair over a cliff. I think this is the longest three months I’ve ever experienced. Sheesh I’m such a wimp!!! I have just over a month left and I’m not sure I’ll make it before going stark, raving, mad… all right, fine, some might argue that I was already there… but you know what I mean! On a positive note, at least I’ll have a walker stored away in my closet if I ever make it to old age.

I’ve been feeling so emotionally stunted from all of this inability to take care of myself that I can’t even blog. It is sad, really, because I find blogging to be such a cathartic, healing experience that my current inability to write only adds to the feelings of frustration and sadness. I’ve started several posts only to abandon them out of blunt apathy. I asked my mother in law the other day if she thought it was possible to actually feel passionately dispassionate because this clever little phrase sums me up in two measly little words. I feel very relevantly irrelevant, enthusiastically unenthusiastic, and most interestedly disinterested.

In short, I feel like a big giant ball of contradictions, in fact, the only thing that feels aligned and quite squarely in place is the fact that I feel apathetically apathetic. I’m trying to care that I don’t care but by the time I form a thought around anything worth giving a hoot about I’ve already lost interest.

What I really want to do is just sit here feeling sorry for myself but we all know that is quite counterproductive and will only catch up to me in time. I feel little flares of frustration bubbling to the surface but then I just stuff them back down deep because I feel helpless in the face of my limitations. But what do you do when you are wallowing in the “Pit of Despair!?” (Which, by the way, must be read in the exact manner in which it is first spoken in the movie Princess Bride…)

You let it all go!

Did I mention that I hate letting go?

This has been something that I’ve always struggled with. It is probably due to the fact that I’m trying so hard to let go that I simply want nothing to do with anything at all. (I’m confused, clearly.) You may be wondering what I mean by this. Me too, let me see if I can’t “write it out.”

Do I hate surrendering control? Yup!

Do I have a hard time letting go of the hurt when someone does me wrong? You bet ya’.

Do I dread letting go of my pride enough to allow others to help me? Aha.

Do I hesitate to let go of the past? Ok, you caught me!

Do I find it difficult to let go of anything that brings with it the nostalgic feelings of things gone by? Uh, yes.

Do I like change? Considering my previous answers… oddly, I love it! I’d be bored without it. More on this later… (I warned you I was all contradictions.)

So how does one like change but have some intense fears of letting go?

Since you ask, I’ll tell you.

I like change as long as I’m the one controlling and orchestrating it. You guessed it, I AM A CONTROL FREAK!

Control Freak Pillow

My freakish desires to control all things around me actually stem from a deep fear of failure and vulnerability. When I am afraid or nervous I tend to want to control the situation until it has resolved to my satisfaction. When I am feeling vulnerable and helpless I want to take charge of the circumstances until I’ve molded them into a soft place to land. What I fail to remember is that there are other variables involved. No matter how much I think I’ve gained control there is always something to remind me that I most certainly have not achieved dominance over the situation at hand. In short, I am not in control, not really, nor will I ever be for that place of honor only belongs to my Father in Heaven.

That’s a good thing…

I guess…

Good thing I’m in complete control of this post, then, because I would really hate for things to get out of hand.

Fine! You’re right, truthfully I really need to let some things get out of hand.

Really I do…

I guess…

But where do I begin? Truthfully I am in earnest! (sorry, ‘been reading too many English novels as of late)

How do you let go of your strangle hold on life in general when you feel like you’re stuck in an out of control freight train barreling down the tracks?

I figure a good place to start is by acknowledging outright that my current state of affairs has me in a tailspin that I find so frightening and frustrating that I’ve been trying to control the poop out of every last little detail. Except that it, um, well, it hasn’t really been working out all that well for me. It is rather like trying to control the speed of the car while someone else’s foot is on the accelerator. As you can imagine I’m figuring out (not for the first time) that life, unfortunately, most decidedly, does not work like that.

BUMMER!!!

You’d a’ thunk that I’d learned my lesson about this long ago. What can I say? Sometimes I am just thick in the head.

In the mean-time I’m beginning to crack under all of this self-induced pressure. Oh my, what is a girl to do when things don’t go her way? Especially a self-professed, take charge, kind of super control freak like me?

I’ve tried tantrums, just read my last post. I’ve employed all of the coping techniques I learned while in therapy for severe depression all those years ago. I’ve attempted an increase in studying my scriptures and adding more urgency and desperation to my prayers. I’ve reminded myself that there are so many others out there who suffer much, much more than this and still have the ability to smile and carry on. I’ve tried quiet meditation; after all I have plenty of time on my hands. I remind myself daily that this latest battle is temporary… hopefully. I’ve even tried tightening my ridiculous strangle hold until everyone around me is choking in my wake and it has only made things worse. (Surprise, surprise.)

This time I really don’t have any answers. Often I write a post and I can draw on my past life experiences to help me through the rough patches. Not this one.

I feel utterly helpless and out of control; the most frightening feeling for me that I can imagine. I guess in a way I’m hoping that writing about this particular deep, dark vulnerability here on this very public forum, will be a form of letting go.

So there it is; the window into my soul that you probably never wanted to see. I feel stripped bare and raw at the opening of it. I don’t much like this part of myself. I am ashamed of my insane need to be the ultimate dictator of my life. I know better, I understand that God is actually in control and that he has everything well in hand. Cognitively I understand that in releasing my need to govern every situation in life would be a great triumph of self-mastery and faith.

In fact, I’m quite certain that this is just one of the many lessons I am to be learning in this current crucible. It is, after all, the perfect opportunity to really learn to “let go and let God,” as they say. I mean I can’t even get a drink of water without help for crying out loud!

The problem is that I find that there are few things that I can’t master without a little hard work and concentrated effort. However, this is obviously not one of them because I’ve been applying myself to breaking down this barrier for the better part of my adult life and I still cannot detect any progress. It seems the harder I try the more bloodied and bruised I end up. I don’t even like admitting that to you, really it makes me want to hit delete until I’ve wiped this entire post from view but I know that in doing so I would be doing myself a great disservice. So I’ll leave it here, laid bare for all to witness. Stina has control issues which she cannot seem to solve. Ugh!

More than our afflictions

Luckily we are more than our afflictions and limitations or I’d be in real trouble here. Regardless may I beg your prayers? I’m downing here.

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10 thoughts on “Passionately Dispassionate

  1. Thoughts and prayers on the way… and a life belt to assist in the stormy waters 🙂
    I may be totally wrong ( I often am!) have you tried meditation? It may seem like that last thing on earth that you would like to do, its a very innate thing. Not very robust and action-like! But it might help to clear some frustration.
    I hope you feel better after blogging… peace x

    • Oh thank you very much! I have tried meditation, kind of hard with two kids but definitely helping me out some. Thanks for the suggestion, I probably need to find more time with myself for some real hard core meditation! 😉

      • When I worked in the hospital I got real good at using wheelchairs, disliked the crutches and walkers, but though eh oneday I might need to know how to use these. As far as the OCD you have… haha I got over mine by ignoring it, but it only works fo a while! We will survive because we are here on this planet during this time with these “health challenges” for a reason…. just have to figure out what that reason is! Take care friend ♡

  2. Ah, yes, the loss of control. I know the terrors of it and the pain from a different angle– the emotional and psychological. But I think I would be totally freaked by what you are going through. I guess it is for a reason. I wish you weren’t going through it and I guess I better turn up the gas on the prayers. It must be so hard. Try to think of one good thing in your life each day or when you feel at the end of your rope. And, yes, definitely find time to do meditation. It will hold you together. Hugs, Ellen

    • Thanks for the extra gas. I love the idea of trying to think of one thing a day that is good and be grateful for it. Such a great strategy, I’ve done it before but for some reason I can’t seem to remember all of those tips and tricks while I’m right in the thick of things. I’m definitely going to start that back up again. You always have such wonderful advice! Thank you, hugs back. Stina

  3. I’ve found that the past few years have been a lesson for me in letting go. NOT EASY. As you know. I find myself doing things like cleaning out kitchen cupboards or baking something when things get really hairy–just to do something I can control with a quick and visible, predictable (well, baking if iffy:) ) outcome. You may well have the cleanest house in town when you’re done with this . . .

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